As many of you know in December the flowndering Toronto Transit Commission (the TTC) refused a $200,000 ad campaign from website AshleyMadison.com.  Now Bay St is having a hard time backing Avid Life’s bid to go public – Avid Life is A.M’s parent company that also owns CougarLife.com and EstablishedMen.com.  If you’re still confused as to why a broke TTC and a money hungry TSE would even consider denying money from a booming business, I’ll give you a little background.  The proposed purple wrap that was to cover the Streetcars in the ad campaign read: “Life Is Short.  Have An Affair”

AshleyMadison -named interestingly (and intentionally) after the two most popular names for girls- is the brainchild of Canadian Noel Biderman an ex-lawyer and sports agent.  Essentially a website created for cheaters, or as they like to call it ‘The World’s Premier Dating Service With Over 5,180,000 Anonymous Members’ AshleyMadison.com is a place where people in committed relationships can hook up with other people in committed relationships.  Novel idea in principle I guess….  What is that quote that people always say when it comes to cheating… “make sure the person you’re cheating with has as much to lose as you do” or something like that.

This is a topic that I’ve personally seen friendships almost sever from, relationships teeter on and family dinners come to abrupt endings over.  Most of the time the arguments come down to two sides.

1 It’s obvious that it’s happening, I mean the site has 5million plus members, seems like a viable business to me.  I’m not cheating, so let em be.

2. It’s immoral.  Just because people cheat doesn’t mean there should be a place not only encouraging it but profiting from it.

The thing I find interesting about the whole argument is that the more it’s discussed the more popular the site gets.  Noel Biderman will voluntarily get vilified by Elizabeth Hassle-whatever on The View or get threatened to a ’smack down’ on Tyra because he knows as soon as the show airs, registrations go up.  Biderman even stated that even without the TTC running the Ad, all of the media attention that surrounded the bid gave him just the amount of attention he needed….

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this post…

With that being said, I would love to know how you guys feel because to be totally honest, I’m torn.  Something inside of me says, ‘If people are going to cheat, they’re going to cheat with or without AshleyMadison.com I’m more annoyed by the portrayal of the women in the ads than what the ads are actually selling….

While another part of me says just because it’s done doesn’t mean we have to applaud it, welcome it and visibly accept it into our daily lives…..  I have to admit that more and more I’m troubled by so many things that our society just passes off and accepts.  The ‘N’ word, misogynist lyrics in music, the over-sexification (admittedly only a word found in the ‘urban dictionary, but I like it) of pop music and pop culture itself, human disconnect…. I can go on and on but I’m just not sure where my blah, blah, blah-ing will get me.  Therapist and author of ‘Monogamy Myth’ Peggy Vaughn says about 60% of men and 40% of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage’ so is this something we as a society want to spend time, energy and emotion stopping?  Is cheating inevitable?

Leave a comment with your two-cents because I’m stuck at a penny and I need some  perspective…

lots of love,

coco

p.s. check out Noel on The View and Tyra below

Dear Coco,

I broke up with my boyfriend, actually he was never actually my boyfriend, so I broke up with the guy I was sleeping with secretly I guess and I CAN’T get over him!!! When I look at it from the outside I realize he’s a total jerk who barely acknowledges me in public but behind closed doors he’s Don friggin Juan! It’s like I’m addicted to him. I try to play it cool around him and his friends and act like I don’t care that he talks to other girls in front of my face, I flirt with other guys around him to make him jealous but in reality I just want him to kiss me in front of the whole club and show everyone he’s all mine. Should I stick around and fight for him and see if the guy I know behind closed doors could eventually become that guy in public? Or should I cut my loses and move on? I know you’re probably going to say cut my loses, but please tell me how, because I’ve been trying and so far I’d rather have a little of him than none…. Sad but true.

with love,
Can’t stop loving him
p.s. he’s not even that cute!

Dear Can’t Stop Loving Him,

And you are correct! CUT YOUR LOSES! The worst thing that could come of this whole mess is that he could discover that you are absolutely THE one for him and he couldn’t picture his life without you. Although I don’t advise that you bank on this solution, it’s the worst that could happen. The best thing that could happen is that you could re-discover your self worth. Right now you’re caught up in the mythical game of ‘cat and mouse’ and as an independent young woman I’m sure all that is really motivating you is the insatiable need to win. Trust me lady, this is one game you want to lose at because in the end there is no real winner and what usually happens in real life is that you are left in the dust with nothing but tragic memories and a new found friend that lives in your psyche named Bitter. And trust me Ms Bitter is mighty hard to shake.

big hug
xoxo,
coco
p.s. Venus posted this song a couple of days ago and it totally describes how you’re probably feeling, you can’t wait to hate him….

p.p.s but Usher said it best when he said ‘I think that you should let it burn’

Lately this super famous quote has been playing over and over in my mind:

“Do the thing of which you’re most afraid”

If you meet me, you might not realize at first blush how extremely shy I am – I try to hide it with a very big laugh and a crooked smile- but I am.    Its hard to explain this to people, especially wonderfully outgoing people like my partner Lowe, because if you aren’t uncomfortable in ’small talk’ situations it might come off as very odd.  The strangest part about being me, is that I’m far more comfortable getting in front of 1,000 people than I am in front of just one.  It’s not so much the ‘one on one’ -I’m not bad at that – it’s the going up to complete strangers and sparking up an interesting, engaging convo.

Since I have finally acknowledged this as a fear, I decided to put that little quote that has been ringing in my head to action.  I signed up for a speed networking event put on by FDI which took place at LG Fashion Week.  If you followed me on twitter that day you would know that I was sweating buckets and hiding behind my berry – what I usually do at events.  But fortunately the event was set up almost exactly like speed dating, one group of people on one side of the table and another group on the other.  Every 60 seconds the people on the outside had to move to the next person.  I didn’t realize from the onset how perfect a situation this would be for a person like me.  If you give me an option I will hide in a corner, but because I was stationed in between two complete strangers under the glaring eye of the officiant or ’speed networking referee’ I was forced to talk to every one of the 50 women that rotated in front of me.  What was so amazing about this situation was that 1. I had to learn how to properly describe what I do in 30 seconds or less and 2. I’m a little bit more comfortable talking to people I don’t know AKA ‘networking’.  I am constantly in situations that myself and my business could benefit from but hiding behind my phone or my friends will not help my cause.

Even though I am shy, I like rules and I only take very calculated risks, every year I try to do one or two things that totally freak me out to try and push my boundaries and broaden my horizons.  Last year Lowe inspired me to take a trip all by myself.  I was super stressed and had just made some crazy changes in my life so I though why not?  The trip as well as the ’speed networking’ event taught me so much about myself that I was surprised at how fearful I had let myself become.  Sometimes when you peel back the layers of fear and anxiety all you are left with are individual small speed bumps that when not all bundled together can be easier to jump over.  My suggestion is to make a list of what you are most afraid of and every now and again try to cross just one of them off.  You don’t have to do them all at once, but once you do one I promise the rest won’t seem so far fetched!

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!

-FDR

Next up, conquering my fear of being photographed! Lowe is also helping me with this, we will document and share it with you, it’s going to be hilar!

What are you afraid of or is there anything you are scared to do that you feel is totally holding you back?

xoxo,

coco

Somehow in this little life of mine I have surrounded myself with some pretty successful people.  Being the quietly inquisitive person that I am, I am very careful to pay extreme attention to the little and big things that separate them from the herd, the things that make them exceptional.  Here are 5 traits that are present in every person that I know that are leaders in their field.

1. Dedication: whether it be getting to practice hours before the team and staying after everyone leaves or its opening the office and closing it again, successful people always have their passion on their brain.  Although it may look easy when someone has made it, the constant work it takes to maintain that high level of achievement is anything but.  Like they always say: “Find your passion and you’ll never work a day in your life”

2. A Consistent Sense of Optimism: No matter how bad things are, tomorrow is always a new day and crying over spilt milk doesn’t clean up the mess.  Problems and obstacles are only as big as you make them.  If you dwell they will get bigger if you put them into perspective they will seem minute.  Oprah lost 400 million dollars in 2008 (an amount of money that I can’t even begin to understand) but you don’t see her wailing about it on t.v. everyday.  She has a job to do and I assume that she realizes that she isn’t the only one suffering and that her suffering when put in perspective is a million times better than most peoples best day, plus she has a HUGE staff to employ so everyday she gets on t.v. with a smile and gets it done. I know quite a few very influential people who over the past year have been hit very hard by the state of the economy but the thing that has helped them pull through (and not jump off a bridge) has been an inner sense of optimism that has always been there.

3. The Appearance of the Complete Lack of Fear: successful people lead and have no trouble taking calculated risks.  If you are too scared to take the next move always remember that there is someone standing right behind you willing to take it right out of your hands – and they won’t say thank you….  There is never a perfect time to do anything, that is why there is such a disproportionate rate of extremely successful people and the ones that work for them.

4. Good Leadership: No person can accomplish things all on their own. Good leaders are always the most successful because not only are they able to lead, but they are able to share their power in order to get the job done.   A good leader should also be able to spot and nurture talent to help them get them where they want to be.  A good leader is confident enough in their role that sharing some of the load (and some of the spotlight) only speeds up the process.  No one wants to work for or with a tyrant.

5.  Constant Need and Desire to Get Better and Innovate: The present day situation of constant change is the perfect example of this.  The way information disseminates is changing.  Newspapers and magazines are folding all over the world daily.  The ones that will survive are the ones that have embraced this New World Order and tried to change with it.  Just because you were used to doing something one way and are very successful at it, doesn’t mean that it will always last.  Nothing lasts forever, so keep your finger on the pulse, be aware and don’t be afraid of change.  If you are willing to see that you are not God’s gift to everything and that your success was based on many variables then you will be able to see the holes in your business and take the necessary steps to get better.

The heights by great men reached and kept,
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they, while their companions slept,
Were toiling upward in the night.

from the poem: The Ladder of St. Augustine, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

xoxo,

coco

Dear Coco

Basically I had a wonderful man in my life, sweet, caring, willing to give me the world. However, I was never satisfied and made the grave mistake of seeking male attention outside of the relationship. I think what it comes down to is that I am highly educated (going to be a doc) and he hasn’t been able to finish college. While, I understand that everyone has their own path to take in life, I find his underachieving not complimentary to what I am trying to do. Recently, he told me that he will never get over the fact that I cheated on him. Which I think is fair; I know I deserve it. At this point though, I think that if I exerted the effort I might be able to win him back. So, the question is, do I give it my all with a really “nice guy” or do I move forward, alone?

Appreciative of your feedback, 

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Dear Should I Stay Or Should I Go,

Move forward alone.  Your words say it all.  It seems as though you have already distanced yourself from this relationship and to stay would just be prolonging the inevitable.  The fact that his lack of drive bothers you now, the more accomplished you become the more it will nag at you.  Save yourself and your bf the trouble and the drama and let him go.  A man can be the sweetest most amazing person on the planet, but if you aren’t feeling it, you just aren’t feeling it.  Love or affection isn’t something you can manufacture or create and since we now have the freedom as women to choose whom we date or marry, take advantage of that freedom. 

 I was once in a relationship that was long over but I held on for way to long because my ego wanted me to prove to myself that I could make him love me the way I needed to be loved.  Big mistake and total waste of time trust me.  It can be really hard for us women to be honest with ourselves and then take things in our own hands.  We most times are very aware that a relationship is wrong but we stay or wait until the guy eventually leaves us.  If he has said clear as day that he will never get over the fact that you strayed then believe him.  Why waste all of your positive energy trying to prove something to someone who has already made up his mind?  Forgive yourself, be honest with yourself, save both of your feelings (and possibly your friendship) and let this one go.  There are soooo many exciting, nice, fun boys out there just waiting for a successful, smart, independent woman like you to date.  Speaking from experience, stay for love, stay because there is no possibility that you could leave, don’t stay to ‘win’ or because he’s wonderful.  Let him be wonderful for someone else so that you can be wonderful for someone else too! 

xoxo,

Coco

p.s. congrats on becoming a doc!  Work it!

Have any of you (or are any of you) in the same situation?  What advise would you give?

p.p.s. here are your song dedications

This song might be how you feel:

 

Make You Feel My Love – Adele

But this is how you should feel

    

   

Since Youve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

It’s my go to break-up song!  lol!  If you haven’t already guessed…

So I’m not the most religious person in town (don’t judge me, I won’t  judge you) buuuut my good buddy Nana introduced me to these really cool Angel Oracle Cards the other day and they were soooo spot on and totally R-A-D!!!

I was instructed to take the pack of cards and shuffle them and then ‘knock myself in’ 3 times, the way you would knock on someone’s door, not like hit yourself on the head with them or anything ccccrazy like that…  lol.  When I had focused and stopped laughing (because this stuff usually evokes that emotion in me) I retrieved this particular card:

If you can’t read it, it goes a lil somethin like this:

“Look past the seeming errors, mistakes and mis-understandings and see only the love within each person (including yourself).  Your resolute focus upon the love that underlies every situation brings about healing in un-dreamed of ways.”

There is also a book (that I don’t have, bc the cards weren’t mine) that explains each card in more detail.  This card was so relatable to me on that day and still today (at this particular moment, lol) because I don’t really have a lot of patience and try desperately to not make mistakes so when I (and sometimes others around me) make mistakes, I get annoyed.  If I took a little more time to assess the situation, little things wouldn’t become bigger things, feelings wouldn’t get hurt and precious time wouldn’t be wasted.  I really try very hard everyday (it is a conscious effort that takes dedication) to understand why people make the choices they do so that I don’t instantly put blame on them. I learned that this was an important way to be because I was very negative at one point and really didn’t want to be.  This card kind of takes this way of thinking to the next level and incorporates the idea of love and it really inspired me. 

Find the LOVE in EVERYTHING, in EVERYONE, in YOURSELF!!!  

liberating no?

Love you all!

Thanks for listening, or reading, or just for being you!

xoxo,

Coco

p.s. what was soooo cool about these cards is that everyone at the table picked up a card that was sooooo perfect for the situation they were in at that particular moment!  freaky deakie!  I was awesomely amazed!

I don’t know much, but one thing I am learning quite a bit about these days is the difference between those who succeed and those who don’t.  Being surrounded by a bunch of people who the world would consider really successful and a few who are struggling to find that success (myself included) you can quickly recognize the difference.  One main point that always seems to come up is follow-through.

 The Webster’s Online Dictionary definition of this term is:

Follow-through: carrying some project or intention to full completion.  

I remember in tennis lessons at the Glenway Country Club in Newmarket my tennis coach insisting that the follow through was THE most important part of my swing.  Being young, naive and totally uninterested this concept did nothing but annoy me.  Why does it matter what you do after you’ve hit the ball, I would think (and sometimes scream out in frustration) I already gave my effort, it’s going to go where it’s going to go.  My coach, the patient young man he was -bless him- would explain time and time again that hitting the ball is great, but only half the battle.  The direction and the overall outcome of all of the effort rests solely in the focus and precision of your follow-through.  

It’s so funny how lessons in sport and lessons in life are so often interchangeable.  It is all fine and dandy to have an excellent idea, lots of people have those, but to be able to maximize that idea to its full potential and to actually see that idea become something real and tangible rests solely on the individuals ability to follow-through with every little thing it takes to make that idea a reality.  Becoming successful has very little to do with luck and everything to do with dedication, tireless effort, an un-wavering will and belief in your idea, goal or mission.  

I am now going to take my own advise and get to work on The Remix Project Fundraiser, GIVE MONEY, MAKE CHANGE, that I am wickedly passionate about but have been sleeping on for the past couple of days. Staying focused an on task is getting exceedingly difficult in our world of constant digital interruptions (twitter, fb, instant messenger) so just make it simple for yourself and make a deal to always try your best to finish what you start to the best of your ability *repeats over and over to myself*..  Sometimes we all need to check ourselves before we start to complain about why things aren’t working out and look to ourselves to be the difference.  No one is going to make success happen for you because personal success can only ever be measured by yourself.  

Nana and Bryan I am emailing you back NOW!  

Let’s goooooooo!

xoxo,

Coco