Dear Coco,

I recently left my cozy safe job to search for something meaningful. Call it a quarter life crisis, but I feel like there has got to be more to life than this. I read about my peers that have achieved great things, and I can’t help but notice that the difference between them and I is that they knew what they wanted. So that is my question to you, what are some of the things that a girl can do to discover what she wants in life? I’ve been everything everyone else has wanted me to be, but now its my turn and I have no idea how to take control. I know I have to do it, but is there anything written in life’s manual regarding this topic?

Sincerely,

P

Dear P,

You ask, ‘what are some of the things that a girl can do to discover what she wants in life?’  That’s a whole lotta question, but an excellent one!   The more I talk to people successful or searching, they all say similar things – which are usually taken from some famous motivational quote – like ‘you’ll never know until you try’ or ‘you can’t succeed until you fail’ etc.  The point I’m trying to get at is that discovery is a huge part of the process.  In school we’re taught from such a young age to have focus and know exactly who we want to be, but it rarely pans out that way – who knows who they really are at 16?  Because of this so many people I know have been through 4 or 5 jobs or careers until they found the one that stuck, so you are not alone, trust me.

My suggestion is to start on the path to discovery.  Make a list of things you think you might be interested in and start trying them out.  It might mean going back to school, taking an internship or doing a few job shadows, but you have to allow yourself time to explore who you really are and how that fits into a career.  You say that you’ve been everything everyone else wants you to be, so now you have to be patient with yourself and give yourself enough time to find out what it is that truly makes you happy.

Your ‘p.s.’ actually struck a cord with me because there have been many times that I’ve let fear sneak into my life and in a quiet way stop me from doing exactly what I want.  What I say to that is recognize that fear is a motivator and that if you let it be anything else it will win every time – stopping you from getting where you need to be.  Silence that noise in the back of your head by constantly reminding yourself that you owe yourself the best life and when you’re old and grey you don’t want to look back at a life that could have been but wasn’t because you were too afraid.   The happiest people I know are ones that don’t give fear a voice. The fact that you quit your job and have recognized the holes in your life illustrates that you’re ready to do what it takes, but you have to fight for it.  Not everyone is going to lend a helping hand, not everyone is going to encourage you, but keep positive and find motivation in the idea that you are in the process of creating the best life you can imagine for yourself.

Good luck, you’ve got this!  Congratulations on taking the risk and welcome to the first days of the rest of your amazing life!

Lots of love,

coco

p.s. I always shied away from ‘self help’ books growing up, but have now found a new love for them.  Sometimes it’s nice to get affirmation and encouragement from an outside source so I recommend picking up a few maybe in the field you’re interested in or just general motivational books.

p.p.s. after I read your email I read this post from Terence J on nicolebitchie.com (guilty pleasure) and I found it inspiring so I thought it might help you too

Today is a new day. A new opportunity to follow your dreams. Take advantage of this blessing. Take that leap. Whatever your dream is, you have to step towards it. The more steps you take the more the universe will conspire to assist you…

If you want to run a label, quit your job at the bank & intern at a label. If you want to be a doctor, apply to school today, etc. I wanted to act, so every week I go to acting school for 14 hours, study film & actors, read about projects, etc. Once I took steps, roles came.

A girl replied, how can I pay my bills if I quit my job to follow my dreams? – when following your dreams you will be temporarily inconvenienced. Tyler Perry was HOMELESS years before becoming a MILLIONAIRE. Only you can determine the amount of sacrifice your dreams are worth.

Before 106 I had a job making 30k but I wasnt happy. I quit. Moved to NY, worked small jobs to get by, & lived on @FredWhit FLOOR 8 MONTHS! I just meet so many people that want to reach their goals & then complain when it sounds hard! Go watch Pursuit of Happiness

Everybody has a different story. U may have kids, mortgage, bills, etc. But God is powerful. There is always a way to follow your dreams!

Read more: A Message From Terrence J | Necole Bitchie.com

We haven’t posted a ‘dear coco’ in a long time and leave it to our trusty readers to call us on it (see below) – love you guys!  Because of my negligence I just wanted to remind you that I am in no means a professional and do not hold myself at a higher regard than any of you.  I answer these emails because they are sent to me and I post them because I think that if one person is going through something maybe someone else is.  Sometimes people just need to hear an opinion from an outsider who has no agenda to help put things into perspective.  I also LOVE to listen (ask my friends – they find it annoying, lol) so if you have anything you want to vent about drop me an email (catriona@cocoandlowe.com) and if I don’t have the answers I will find someone who does.

dear coco,

i noticed that the blog has been devoid of dear coco posts as of late and i wasn’t sure if that was because you haven’t received any or if perhaps you are no longer answering questions of your readers via the blog. despite my trepidation i’ve decided to write you because frankly i need some help from an individual who can be objective. i have been in a relationship for almost 17 months (a first for me and the man that i’m with) and i’ve fallen out of love. my bf is such a great person but i just don’t feel like we are connected enough emotionally (it’s hard for us to find things to talk about for example and we don’t really have much in common). i think we’ve mistaken our incredible physical connection for something more than it is and now here we are lol. he is really sweet, caring, loving and treats me very well which makes this even harder. i have been wanting to break up with him for months but i could never really find the right moment. then it was the holiday season and i felt like that would be the WORST time of year to say goodbye to him. my boyfriend’s life has not always been the easiest and he relies on me a great deal for emotional support. i care about him a lot and my biggest fear is that by breaking up with him (especially when he has been nothing but wonderful to me), he will feel abandoned, interpret my leaving as a character flaw on his part or that he will become cynical and jaded about relationships. the idea of breaking his heart is breaking mine and i have absolutely no idea how to approach this with him. adding to the dilemma is the fact that we hardly ever fight and my man really sees us as having a future together so this breakup is definitely going to blindside him . should i be completely honest and just tell him that i’ve fallen out of love or is that too harsh? i am so lost, bewildered and sad but more than anything, i’m really really scared of hurting someone i really care about.

relationships are really not for the faint of hurt and i need some serious guidance here girl.

signed an extremely confused young woman

Dear E.C.Y.W.,

This is the beauty of women.  We care not only about the initial sting that the breakup might cause, but the also about the potential future fall out….  You are too sweet for words!  Here’s the thing, you’re letter leads me to believe that you’ve reached the ‘point of no return’ in your relationship.  Regardless of what your ‘breaking up’ with him will do to him, staying is not only NOT an option; it would be totally unfair for the two of you.  Right now it’s damage control and while prolonging the inevitable may in some form seem easier, it’s really making it more difficult.  Like a band-aid, you’ve just got to tear it off.  As far as what exactly to say, my policy is always to keep it as positive and as honest as possible.  You care about him, so deliver the news with the love and sensitivity that only you can, maybe start by saying that the love you have for him has changed.

Remember, breaking up with him doesn’t in anyway mean that you’re not a nice person and if his view on women changes as a result, then as harsh as this may sound, it’s on him.  The fact that he has had a rough upbringing is not your fault and you showing him the love and support that you have over the last 17 months has most likely demonstrated to him how wonderful people can be.  With that being said, you’re his girlfriend, not his volunteer caseworker, so even he would be upset to find out that you were staying with him -even in the slightest way- as a result of pity.  We often stay in jobs, friendships and relationships far too long just to satisfy the needs of the other person to the detriment of everyone involved.

I seriously applaud you for your strength, honesty and candor and trust that if this man of yours is as amazing as you say, in a couple of months he will have seen everything a little more clearly and will be on the road to recovery and possibly even discovery – of new love….   They say when one door closes another one opens, remember that this theory applies to both of you and although you’re seeing only the way your bf will suffer, once time has healed his wounds, who knows what the future holds.

You’ll be fine and it’s all going to work itself out – time is the true healer.

Good luck, big hugs,

coco

I got this email on Saturday and I literally started to weep.

Hello Coco,
How are you? I wanted to say that I really enjoyed your post on your engagement and wedding dress shopping experience. It is so great of you to share this with us, the readers, and I wish you a world of happiness.

Months ago, I had been tempted to e-mail you and Lowe my own engagement story because, well, it kind of involves you ladies lol! But I relented because I didn’t quite know if it would tie in with your interests. But after seeing your wedding post, I figured that this would be as good a time as ever.

Back in late December 2009, my boyfriend, Wil, decided to take me to dinner at Linda’s at the Shops at Don Mills, which is a restaurant I had been dying to try out for some time. We got the day started with a visit to the hair salon to get my hair done, followed by some shopping, which is what we usually do on Saturdays when I am in the Dot (I live in Ottawa, and he in Toronto). The rest of the day went on and I was stoked about going to Linda’s and trying this Thai joint, as it is my favorite kind of cuisine. Night came and we decided to dress up for the occasion. Upon our arrival and being escorted to our table, I gestured to my man that some girl looked a lot like one of our good friends, only to realize that it WAS her, and surprise, surprise, several of our friends were there as well! I squealed and jumped because I hadn’t seen most of them in months and then it dawned on me that Wil had invited them. I looked to my man and told him how sneaky he was: you see, it was my 30th birthday in October and the majority hadn’t been able to make it to my birthday celebration in Montreal, followed by my university graduation in November, so Wil had promised that he was going to throw me a birthday and graduation dinner to make up for it. Seemed like the night was finally here! The evening was great: amazing food, drinks, laughter, jokes, an all-around amazing time. As the restaurant started to get empty, I joked that we were the last ones there and that certainly, we were bound to get kicked out soon. But then the manager came over with a platter of cupcakes and placed them in front of me. The very first thing I noticed was that they looked exactly like the ones you and Lowe get for your events, and once again, I was back to my squealing, laughing and clapping my hands like a 5 year old, looking to my man and saying “OMG! We got the Coco and Lowe cupcakes! We got Coco and Lowe cupcakes!” He laughed and so did everyone else, but then gestured for me to look closer: as I looked down, every single one of the cupcakes had a word, which ended up spelling out “WILL YOU MARRY ME CINDY?” I let out a big “OH MY GOD!” and looked back at him. He stood up and said “Baby, it’s time”, as our friends looked on and started to cry. He dropped to one knee and said that this had been a long time coming, that I was his all and ask me to do do him the honor of becoming his wife. I did not hesitate with a yes and we hugged and kissed, with our friends coming around to congratulate us. It was a magical night, and I am glad my man pays attention to my favorites things, such as my devotion to your blog, which he knows I read daily. He used that element to surprise me, and trust me, the man had been unsuccessful at surprised me up until that point! lol. So, I guess I owe it to you, Lowe (and Adjoa!), because you played a part in what ended up being the best night of my life. So, thank you to you and Lowe, my favorite socials!;)

Here are some pictures taken by our friends: not the clearest, but you get the idea of what went down.

Cheers!
Cindy

CONGRATULATIONS CINDY & WIL!!!!

What a sweet story.  *sigh*

xoxo,

coco

p.s. if you have any stories you want to share feel free to email me!  I love reading them!! catriona@cocoandlowe.com

As many of you know in December the flowndering Toronto Transit Commission (the TTC) refused a $200,000 ad campaign from website AshleyMadison.com.  Now Bay St is having a hard time backing Avid Life’s bid to go public – Avid Life is A.M’s parent company that also owns CougarLife.com and EstablishedMen.com.  If you’re still confused as to why a broke TTC and a money hungry TSE would even consider denying money from a booming business, I’ll give you a little background.  The proposed purple wrap that was to cover the Streetcars in the ad campaign read: “Life Is Short.  Have An Affair”

AshleyMadison -named interestingly (and intentionally) after the two most popular names for girls- is the brainchild of Canadian Noel Biderman an ex-lawyer and sports agent.  Essentially a website created for cheaters, or as they like to call it ‘The World’s Premier Dating Service With Over 5,180,000 Anonymous Members’ AshleyMadison.com is a place where people in committed relationships can hook up with other people in committed relationships.  Novel idea in principle I guess….  What is that quote that people always say when it comes to cheating… “make sure the person you’re cheating with has as much to lose as you do” or something like that.

This is a topic that I’ve personally seen friendships almost sever from, relationships teeter on and family dinners come to abrupt endings over.  Most of the time the arguments come down to two sides.

1 It’s obvious that it’s happening, I mean the site has 5million plus members, seems like a viable business to me.  I’m not cheating, so let em be.

2. It’s immoral.  Just because people cheat doesn’t mean there should be a place not only encouraging it but profiting from it.

The thing I find interesting about the whole argument is that the more it’s discussed the more popular the site gets.  Noel Biderman will voluntarily get vilified by Elizabeth Hassle-whatever on The View or get threatened to a ‘smack down’ on Tyra because he knows as soon as the show airs, registrations go up.  Biderman even stated that even without the TTC running the Ad, all of the media attention that surrounded the bid gave him just the amount of attention he needed….

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this post…

With that being said, I would love to know how you guys feel because to be totally honest, I’m torn.  Something inside of me says, ‘If people are going to cheat, they’re going to cheat with or without AshleyMadison.com I’m more annoyed by the portrayal of the women in the ads than what the ads are actually selling….

While another part of me says just because it’s done doesn’t mean we have to applaud it, welcome it and visibly accept it into our daily lives…..  I have to admit that more and more I’m troubled by so many things that our society just passes off and accepts.  The ‘N’ word, misogynist lyrics in music, the over-sexification (admittedly only a word found in the ‘urban dictionary, but I like it) of pop music and pop culture itself, human disconnect…. I can go on and on but I’m just not sure where my blah, blah, blah-ing will get me.  Therapist and author of ‘Monogamy Myth’ Peggy Vaughn says about 60% of men and 40% of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage’ so is this something we as a society want to spend time, energy and emotion stopping?  Is cheating inevitable?

Leave a comment with your two-cents because I’m stuck at a penny and I need some  perspective…

lots of love,

coco

p.s. check out Noel on The View and Tyra below

Dear Coco,

I broke up with my boyfriend, actually he was never actually my boyfriend, so I broke up with the guy I was sleeping with secretly I guess and I CAN’T get over him!!! When I look at it from the outside I realize he’s a total jerk who barely acknowledges me in public but behind closed doors he’s Don friggin Juan! It’s like I’m addicted to him. I try to play it cool around him and his friends and act like I don’t care that he talks to other girls in front of my face, I flirt with other guys around him to make him jealous but in reality I just want him to kiss me in front of the whole club and show everyone he’s all mine. Should I stick around and fight for him and see if the guy I know behind closed doors could eventually become that guy in public? Or should I cut my loses and move on? I know you’re probably going to say cut my loses, but please tell me how, because I’ve been trying and so far I’d rather have a little of him than none…. Sad but true.

with love,
Can’t stop loving him
p.s. he’s not even that cute!

Dear Can’t Stop Loving Him,

And you are correct! CUT YOUR LOSES! The worst thing that could come of this whole mess is that he could discover that you are absolutely THE one for him and he couldn’t picture his life without you. Although I don’t advise that you bank on this solution, it’s the worst that could happen. The best thing that could happen is that you could re-discover your self worth. Right now you’re caught up in the mythical game of ‘cat and mouse’ and as an independent young woman I’m sure all that is really motivating you is the insatiable need to win. Trust me lady, this is one game you want to lose at because in the end there is no real winner and what usually happens in real life is that you are left in the dust with nothing but tragic memories and a new found friend that lives in your psyche named Bitter. And trust me Ms Bitter is mighty hard to shake.

big hug
xoxo,
coco
p.s. Venus posted this song a couple of days ago and it totally describes how you’re probably feeling, you can’t wait to hate him….

p.p.s but Usher said it best when he said ‘I think that you should let it burn’