Dear Coco,

I broke up with my boyfriend, actually he was never actually my boyfriend, so I broke up with the guy I was sleeping with secretly I guess and I CAN’T get over him!!! When I look at it from the outside I realize he’s a total jerk who barely acknowledges me in public but behind closed doors he’s Don friggin Juan! It’s like I’m addicted to him. I try to play it cool around him and his friends and act like I don’t care that he talks to other girls in front of my face, I flirt with other guys around him to make him jealous but in reality I just want him to kiss me in front of the whole club and show everyone he’s all mine. Should I stick around and fight for him and see if the guy I know behind closed doors could eventually become that guy in public? Or should I cut my loses and move on? I know you’re probably going to say cut my loses, but please tell me how, because I’ve been trying and so far I’d rather have a little of him than none…. Sad but true.

with love,
Can’t stop loving him
p.s. he’s not even that cute!

Dear Can’t Stop Loving Him,

And you are correct! CUT YOUR LOSES! The worst thing that could come of this whole mess is that he could discover that you are absolutely THE one for him and he couldn’t picture his life without you. Although I don’t advise that you bank on this solution, it’s the worst that could happen. The best thing that could happen is that you could re-discover your self worth. Right now you’re caught up in the mythical game of ‘cat and mouse’ and as an independent young woman I’m sure all that is really motivating you is the insatiable need to win. Trust me lady, this is one game you want to lose at because in the end there is no real winner and what usually happens in real life is that you are left in the dust with nothing but tragic memories and a new found friend that lives in your psyche named Bitter. And trust me Ms Bitter is mighty hard to shake.

big hug
xoxo,
coco
p.s. Venus posted this song a couple of days ago and it totally describes how you’re probably feeling, you can’t wait to hate him….

p.p.s but Usher said it best when he said ‘I think that you should let it burn’

Dear Coco

Basically I had a wonderful man in my life, sweet, caring, willing to give me the world. However, I was never satisfied and made the grave mistake of seeking male attention outside of the relationship. I think what it comes down to is that I am highly educated (going to be a doc) and he hasn’t been able to finish college. While, I understand that everyone has their own path to take in life, I find his underachieving not complimentary to what I am trying to do. Recently, he told me that he will never get over the fact that I cheated on him. Which I think is fair; I know I deserve it. At this point though, I think that if I exerted the effort I might be able to win him back. So, the question is, do I give it my all with a really “nice guy” or do I move forward, alone?

Appreciative of your feedback, 

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Dear Should I Stay Or Should I Go,

Move forward alone.  Your words say it all.  It seems as though you have already distanced yourself from this relationship and to stay would just be prolonging the inevitable.  The fact that his lack of drive bothers you now, the more accomplished you become the more it will nag at you.  Save yourself and your bf the trouble and the drama and let him go.  A man can be the sweetest most amazing person on the planet, but if you aren’t feeling it, you just aren’t feeling it.  Love or affection isn’t something you can manufacture or create and since we now have the freedom as women to choose whom we date or marry, take advantage of that freedom. 

 I was once in a relationship that was long over but I held on for way to long because my ego wanted me to prove to myself that I could make him love me the way I needed to be loved.  Big mistake and total waste of time trust me.  It can be really hard for us women to be honest with ourselves and then take things in our own hands.  We most times are very aware that a relationship is wrong but we stay or wait until the guy eventually leaves us.  If he has said clear as day that he will never get over the fact that you strayed then believe him.  Why waste all of your positive energy trying to prove something to someone who has already made up his mind?  Forgive yourself, be honest with yourself, save both of your feelings (and possibly your friendship) and let this one go.  There are soooo many exciting, nice, fun boys out there just waiting for a successful, smart, independent woman like you to date.  Speaking from experience, stay for love, stay because there is no possibility that you could leave, don’t stay to ‘win’ or because he’s wonderful.  Let him be wonderful for someone else so that you can be wonderful for someone else too! 

xoxo,

Coco

p.s. congrats on becoming a doc!  Work it!

Have any of you (or are any of you) in the same situation?  What advise would you give?

p.p.s. here are your song dedications

This song might be how you feel:

 

Make You Feel My Love – Adele

But this is how you should feel

    

   

Since Youve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

It’s my go to break-up song!  lol!  If you haven’t already guessed…

Dear Coco,

I have this guy friend who I’ve known for years. He’s a really good friend, so fun and caring I would even go as far as to say he’s my best friend.  He just broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years and has been on a dating RAMPAGE!!!  He has talked to me about all of them!!  Last month he came to my house after we went out (something he always does) and somehow we ended up having sex…  I thought I could forget about it and him (in that way) but he doesn’t make it easy.  He sends me cute ‘I miss you texts’ and ‘good morning beautiful’ bbms and I just can’t help but think he would be THE perfect boyfriend.  The only problem is he has told me repeatedly that he doesn’t want a girlfriend.  Why if he doesn’t want a girlfriend does he keep calling me and why does he always want to hang out?  Do you think if I play it off cool and keep our relationship casual that maybe he will soon realize that maybe he might want to settle down with me?

Sincerely,

Serious state of confusion 

Dear Serious State of Confusion,

NO.  Seriously, dude already knows how cool you are, how sweet you are, how awesome you are, because before you guys ‘did the deed’ he was your best friend remember?  Let’s be honest with ourselves for a second, if he has told you straight up that he doesn’t want a relationship, what voodoo magic are you packing in your back pocket that you think you can unleash to convince him to be yours?  Better yet, what are you doing getting tangled up with a guy on a dating rampage fresh out of a four year relationship?  If you want to keep your friendship with him I suggest kissing sleepovers and ‘accidental sex’ goodbye.  If he’s your best friend then you shouldn’t be afraid to tell him how you feel ie, ‘lay off on the I miss you messages homie!’.  And if he’s your bestie he should totally understand.  I know it’s going to be super tough because from what I’m gathering, you might have had feelings for this guy long before the night of the ‘incident’.  Take a few paces back, collect yourself and remind yourself how awesome you are.  There are millions of dudes out their, let’s give a few of those boys who don’t fall under the categories ‘best friend’, ‘rebounder’ and ’serial dater’ a fighting chance.  

Never forget that you cannot (and totally shouldn’t want to) trick a guy into loving you.  Just listen to a few classic love ballads, none of them have anything to do with scheming and trickery (those topics are reserved for the revenge songs).  If he loves you, he loves you.  No cupcake with special icing, no being super dope in the eye’s of his buddies, no crazy porno sex is going to make him think different. YOU CAN’T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU!!  And hanging around trying to ‘make’ him realize his love for you is a  waste of your precious time, it could possibly ruin your friendship and eventually make you look foolish.

I love Adele’s album 19 and when she wrote this album she was breaking up with her boyfriend.  I think she might have been feeling like you’re feeling now.  Although this song isn’t the most motivating, sometimes it’s nice to know people are feeling the same way you are.

Make You Feel My Love – Adele

xoxo,

Coco

Dear Coco,

I just came out of a very destructive 4 year relationship and I am ready to just have fun and meet new people. The problem is is that I live in a very small town about an hour west of Toronto and its hard to go somewhere without the possibility of running into him. Everybody knows everybody here and its so annoying! Plus, 98% of my girlfriends are married, engaged, and/or have kids so its like none of them want to party anymore. I love my girlfriends and its cool that they have settled down but I clearly am still wanting to get out there and paint the town red! I don’t wanna party hardcore but at least have something fun to do 2 weekends out of the 4 in a month lol! I’m only 25 and shouldn’t be spending my Friday and Saturday nights inside…alone. My life for the past 4 years has been all about my ex and I now that we’re over, I need it to be all about me and I just wanna have fun!! 

Any advice???

From: Desperatley seeking fun!

Dear Desperately Seeking Fun,

Breaking up is not an easy thing to do, but getting out of a negative relationship in a some-what negative environment can be even harder.  As a matter of fact, one of the major reasons people stay in bad relationships is because they feel like it’s better than being alone and having to start all over again. So kudos to you for recognizing the problem and moving on!  When I broke up with my high school boyfriend I had just moved downtown to go to U of T, my two closest friends didn’t live in Toronto yet and at times I felt soooo lonely and a little lost.  I eventually got a part time job as a bartender and would tag along with some of the girls from work every now and again just to get out.  I also joined a club at school just to feel a little more connected.  At first these situations felt really foreign to me, not being protected by my inner circle of friends, having to put myself out there. But I got to know a ton of new people and these people are now some of my closest friends. Lowe for example was a customer at my bar and now I pretty much see her everyday!

You need a fresh start, new friends and a new scene. I think your best bet is to meet some people and this is where we can help.  Our friend Shannae of What Women Want (www.ilovewhatwomenwant.com) holds these great events for women and they are amazing!  She has done shopping events, a book club dinner, parties and her newest event is a called All About Me being held at Hammam Spa.  The good thing about these gatherings is all of the ladies come with a positive attitude and are there to meet new people.  I have made a slew of friends at these events and wouldn’t hesitate to go alone. 

You have to put yourself out there just a little and I know you will be happy with the results. I think you have the right attitude and are totally correct in saying that you are too young to be spending your Friday and Saturday nights alone.  Getting as far away from the destructive relationship of the past is the best thing you can do.  You just need to find the confidence within yourself to allow yourself to brush your shoulders off and get back out there.  Continue to look at the positives and don’t get bogged down by the negatives.  But keep in mind that you shouldn’t completely cut yourself off from your surroundings and your friends just because there might be a chance that you will run into your old dude.  You know you’re officially over it when you can be in the same room as him and it doesn’t even phase you.  The only way you’ll get there is complete focus on YOU!  Be selfish for a little while, get to know who you are again and you’re off to the races! 

Hope this helps!

Lots of Love,

Coco

Also, you are also more than welcome to come to the fashion Brazen Hussy fashion show we are hosting on Thursday March 12 at Circa.  If you don’t have anyone to come with, you can hang with us, we know a ton of super nice people and we will introduce you to everyone! 

P.S. check out www.chickadvisor.com, they also have some super fun events for women that are good for networking and meeting new peeps!

I dedicate this song to you!  Because you need to DANCE WITH SOMEBODY!!!! YAYA!

i wanna dance with somebody – whitney houston

This week our question comes from our reader Jazmine.  I think it is soooo relevant because not only have I done this before, I know a few of girls who are in this position as we speak.

Jazmine Wrote:

I can’t seem to stop looking at my ex’s Facebook pictures and googling him to see what he’s up to.  We broke up over a year ago and it’s like I look to see if something’s bad and then when I do, I get upset. Then I end up looking at old pics of us on my own page and it goes downhill from there.  I even lose hours at work doing this!  I know it’s stupid but I don’t know how to stop!  What can I do??

Dear Jazmine,

This might seem a little harsh, but desperate times call for desperate measures… DELETE HIM!  And when I say delete, I mean erase him from everything, myspace, facebook, twitter, bbm, msn etc etc.  As our lives have become so wrapped up in these digital spaces, we can find ourselves lost in the maze, a maze we control, that we sometimes can’t find out way out of.

Unfortunately, because no one controls our personal forms of communication (ie computer and cell phones) we have to be strong enough to monitor our own behavior.  Jazmine , no one is going to come along and stop you from checking up on your ex, buuut if you don’t stop yourself, you are really only holding yourself back….  The easiest way (and I speak from experience ) is to not allow your self the access by simply removing him from your friend lists.  He’s moved on and you should to!  Always checking up on him can become like torture to your self worth and your spirit. Think of all of the new people and experiences you are not letting into your life by constantly being tied up in the emotions of a relationship that no longer exists.  

I find in times like this, nothing helps more than a little Kelly Clarkson!   Turn it up and shake him off!!

  

Since Youve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

What do you guys think?  Do you, or any of your friends have cyber stalking issues?

xoxo,

CoCo

 

For some reason a lot of people ask me for advice…  To my friends absolute annoyance, it happens everywhere.  At clubs, the gym, the grocery store, even Dollarama?!?!  Maybe it’s cuz I reaaaallly like to listen and usually come up with some kind of decent opinion after I’ve taken it all in? Maybe bc I think its rude to rush people when they’re talking, or maybe I just appear to be the only person around that actually has quite a bit of extra time on my hands….  LOL! What ever the case may be, I love to listen and Love to help!  That being said, every week I will answer one of your questions on the blog.  I have a ton of resources, so don’t worry, if I don’t think I am capable of answering I will get expert advice from someone who can.  You can ask a question via email: catriona@cocoandlowe.com and I will give you a new name so you don’t have to worry about anonymity. I was emailed and asked for advice for this problem a couple weeks so it will act as our first Ask CoCo.

Jenny Wrote:

Ok so I’ve met a guy who broke up with his girlfriend he loved for 5 months

Then within 2 months or so, we started dating… Everything was going great… i have met his friends and parents.  BUT
 there’s is always a but, things started going downhill, from calls, to visits, to the crazy ex, to facebook and the list goes on.


I couldn’t trust him because he gave me many reasons not to… You know, just lying and girls calling him or texting him.
 So 2 weeks ago we broke up 
the first time I told him I didn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t come and see me or call me anymore. he said no he still wants to be with me but isn’t ready to make full effort but I’m his favorite girl, he says his family loves me and I could be the one. So I gave it another chance and notice no progress…  I texted him telling him that he needs to get his things because there’s no reason for it being here… He refused to get his things back, then he finally said to me ok how about we just be friends for now, a lil break thing
 
 
So I wasn’t upset about it but now I miss him a lot but at the same time I feel like a fool. 

He popped up at my place a week ago and we talked and when he was leaving he took a while to go like he wanted a kiss. So I kissed him… I know I know… argghh such a fool! After we kissed I said to him talk to me when he is done talking to those girls, his response, he’s not.  After a little time passed I went by his place and I was chilling with his sis and cousin playing pool and I sat beside him. He started to touch me in inappropriate places so I said to him don’t touch it’s not yours. Then he got all mad and started saying oh then whose is it? … 
 
I know I know I was a fool but we had sex that night n when I was about to leave he was gonna give me a kiss and his phone rang and his ring tone for that “certain person” was by that artist Eric Benet-You’re the only one then I stopped n said no kiss… then as I left it just hurt me … arggg I don’t know what to do.. So at this point I’m not texting or calling  him I  just don’t know what to do!!! Oh yea by the way he is a year younger then I am. (Lil advice from my mama… he just wants to have fun…  all people cheat… he wants to have his cake and eat it too, but once he gets greedy he might end up with nothing in the end…)

Dear Jenny,

Ok so this is what I think, although I think you already know this yourself…  To quote the title of the movie I just watched, He’s Just Not That Into You, now RUN!  I say this Jenny because not too many years ago I was in a similar situation, and to be honest I don’t think I have a friend in the world who hasn’t found themselves in the position you are in today.  From what I have read from your emails you seem like a really nice girl, and the fact that he wants to keep you around means to me that he is just afraid that a better candidate will come along and snatch you up, but  Jenny, let em snatch away.  Any guy who doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he is talking to other girls is not only unfair, but utterly disrespectful.  You need to realize that you are worth far more than the sum of your parts and being treated as someone’s occasional ‘play thing’ is wrong from every vantage point.   Unfortunately, we as women allow men too often to treat us just as they wish and it’s high time that we start expecting better treatment.  Trust me, it may be hard at times when you are first alone and away from him, hard not to answer his calls, his texts, his invites to his place, but you have to move on and to truly move on and get him out of your system you got to cut all ties.  His family may be nice, his friends may be great, but he isn’t and there are a million guys out there that have nice families and friends and will treat you like the woman you are minus the BS!! 

Take this time to better yourself, read some books, hang out with good girlfriends write in a journal or even create a vision board(see Lowe’s post on them, we swear by them!) of your ideal man and start to put your life back on track post Weirdo Rebound Man because that is his official new name!! 

xoxo,

CoCo

P.S. dating a guy that was in LOVE with a girl for 5 months probably isn’t a good idea because 1.being in love after 5 months and then breaking up is a little suspishh and 2. Rebounds are never good. 

P.P.S. sorry if this was a little harsh, but I think you are worth waaaaaay more!!!  

Maybe this song will help

  

Stepping Stone – Duffy

xoxo,

CoCo

p.s. what do you guys think about Jenny’s situation?